Friday, January 30, 2004

From Dan Gilmartin ---

Ashcroft's Amerika:

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on,
eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live
at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's
Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is
745-2302and your cell number's 266-2566. Which
number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all
this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a
couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea,
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical ! records indicate
that you've got very high blood pressure and
extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health
Care provider won't allow such
an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Man!! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean
Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like
something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean
Recipes' from your local library last week, sir.
That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two
family-sized ones,then. What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your
wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as
you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but! I'm afraid you'll
have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is
over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some
cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your
checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll
have the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir.
It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a
hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're
out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a
motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How the # @ + **** do you know I'm
riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your
car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your
Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be
using it."
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language,
sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction
for cussing out a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget
the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get
with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's
exclusionary clause prevents us from offering
free soda to diabetics."